Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Christmas Message from the Prime Minister of Kent

"Ho. Ho. Ho."

"Dear people of Kent, and Kentish people,

"At this time of year, it is customary for your leader to pass on tidings of merriment and joy. It is a pleasure to do so again this Christmas.

"Looking back over 2008, I would briefly like to take credit for things that I didn't do, for example the improved exams results and falling crime. All of these were due the fine leadership of the KCC leadership team and were despite, not because of, the meddling bureaucracy of the New Labour lackies."

"Looking forward to 2009, the economy is clearly the priority. After being run over a cliff by Gordon Brown, I will personally ensure that more investment and more jobs to Kent, any at County Hall or firms owned by my golfing buddies.

"To do this I will do my very best to cut out the bureaucracy and petty politics coming from the higher, and lower, levels of government. In our 'Front for Kent Business' initiative, I have set out a 10 point plan that we see us through the recession:

"1. Our leadership team will act as ambassadors all over the world on behalf of Kent business. As usual we will banging the drum for Kent at Cannes and in Virginia, USA.
"2. We will try and pay our bills on time, to help local businesses.
"3. We will continue to cut through the red-tape, particularly when it comes to nonsense environmental and planning "laws".
"4. We will continue to help Thanet become our Illinois of good governance.
"5. We will tell Shepway to just f***ing get on with it have give planning permission to Lydd Airport and the Sellindge Sludge plant.
"6. We will build a fantastic new lorry park at Aldington and a wonderful Brunel-like bridge between the Isle of Grain and Essex.
"7. We will take over more Kent businesses and run them better so that they offer better value to the tax payer than other Kent businesses.
"8. We will start our own bank so that shifty foreigners don't lose our money, only we should be allowed to do that.
"9. We will continue our secret military build-up in Manston so that by 2012 we will have retaken Medway, Bromley, Bexley and Calais.
"10. We will continue to offer our wonderful countryside to any jack-ass speculator, developer or communist state who wants to invest in our fantastic county and bring hundreds of cleaning and security jobs.

"Of course, for me personally, New Year, is a an exciting time. Once again, I will we waiting with baited breathe for the publishing of the New Year's Honours List. Of course a Lordship is too much to expect now, I am still young with a full career ahead of me, however, I do feel that my selfless work in public service does merit some recognition. Dammit, Paul Clokie at Ashford BC got a gong year before last and what the hell has that f******t ever done.

"So have a very merry and peaceful* Christmas and prosperous, ennobled New Year."

*That includes you, shoppers at Tesco's who were fighting each other on Christmas Eve and who required more Police than a Kingsnorth protest.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Archbishop a "Commie B*****d"

THE STONE HALLS and precincts of Canterbury and Rochester Cathedrals are echoing to hushed, urgent gossip this evening, as it was revealed that an aide to the Bishop of Rochester may have called the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, a 'Commie B*****d'.

The revelation comes in the wake of the dismissal of one of Archbishop Williams' own staff who wrote"arsehole Bishop of Rochester" in a list of names on a document that was sent 43 Bishops and Gordon Brown.

This latest spat between the Priests of Kent and the Kentish Priests may have been sparked by a recent rant accusing capitalism, Gordon Brown and society generally of being driven by greed and reckless speculation. In particular his suggestions that the UK should "actually making stuff" and not "carrying on getting into insane amounts of personal and national debt" were scoffed at by senior political and industrial figures:

"What? Actually make things? Things that work? Are you crazy? This isn't some backward socialist state like Germany, you know," said Sir Clive St.John-Smythe, Fiscal Stimulus Strategy Manager at HSBC and Chair of the Tunbridge Wells Chapter of the Rotary Masons.

"Everyone knows that the UK economy works by everyone buying and selling money that they don't have. It's very easy you know. Especially with computers, I understand. You don't even have to faff about with notes and coins, you just add a few noughts on to everything. Works every time. Nobody notices, unless you're an amateur like Bernard Madoff."