Monday, January 12, 2009

Aliens: "Don't build Kingsnorth 2"

"Like don't burn the coal, dude. It's baaad"

IN A CASE of life imitating a crap remake of an old B-movie, it appears that aliens, imitating the the superhuman acting of Keanununu Reeves, having been flying over Medway in effort to persuade us not to destroy the only world we have.

KCC have denied that they have denied that they were flying any secret spy-planes in enemy Medway Council airspace:

"KCC can confirm that no secret craft were launched from any of the secret bases that don't exist under Manston aiport."

It is understood that Greenpeace will be bringing along Alien diplomats to their next court case over Kingsnorth power station, along with their usual cast of Dr James Hansen, Zac "Ecologist-Turned-Tory-Stooge" Goldsmith, some local greenies and a bunch of pissed off Inuit who have lost their livelihoods to global warming.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Evil Squirrel Fires On Tory Lord

Don't mess with these little f*****s

SQUIRREL PARAMILITARIES have been blamed for razing the Cranbook cottage of former Tunbridge Wells MP, Patrick Barnabas Burke Mayhew, Baron Mayhew of Twysden.

A spokesman for the family said:

"We believe this to be part of a long-running blood-feud dating back to when Lord Mayhew was Northern Island Secretary (1992-97).

"While he is better known for laying the foundations of what would be the Good Friday agreement, signed by Labour in 1998, what is less well is the sensitive negotiations that he convened between the Red and Grey squirrel communities.

"Grey squirrels were unhappy at moves, by Lord Mayhew, to cut of their supply of nuts and funding for weapons from their US homeland. This supply from grey sympathisers, mainly in New York parks, as been linked to their ongoing terror campaign against our native Red Squirrels."

With squirrels having a typical lifespan of 12 years, analysts suggest that the attack may have been a honour mission by young paramilitaries on behalf of a dying or recently deceased squirrel matriarch.

It is understood that security services have been put on alert, especially as intelligence suggests that they may be planning on attacking other targets in collaboration with mysterious big cats.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Return of the Killer KIG Monster

Can the plucky Hobbits of Maidstone defeat the evil AXA of Evil?


"The application has been stalled for months because of a failure by AXA/KIG to provide adequate replies to the Maidstone Borough Council’s requests for information.

The Council has now received further information from AXA/KIG which it considers obliges it to undertake further public consultation on this additional material and, subsequently, to enable a comprehensive assessment of the planning application.

The Council’s further consultation process starts on 9th January and lasts for three weeks. Objections should be made to the Council within that period.

Watch out for communications from the Council and from your Parish Council, as the Joint Parishes Group is also objecting to the application. Keep an eye out for further comment in the Kent Messenger and Downs Mail. Visit the Council’s website. KIG is one of its Popular Links will make a more detailed comment when we have assimilated the latest information, so please keep a check on our website.

It is vital that everyone who objected before responds to this latest consultation. People must react quickly as the Council has had to give a 21 day time limit. If people did not object previously, they can still object. We must not give AXA/KIG an opportunity for spin by saying that because so few responded to the consultation, people see the benefit in the application and are now supporting it. AXA/KIG must get the message that this is an entirely inappropriate and unjustifiable application for this area.

If you do nothing else when the re-consultation process starts, write to or email the Council saying “I have noted the further information and my original objection remains”. Equally importantly, make sure your friends and neighbours register their objections.

Richard Horton

Chairman - 7th January 2009

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Road closure triggers riot

UN Peacekeepers sent in to save Kent Highways workmen from the angry mob and allow humanitarian aid to get through to Wrotham Heath.

KENT HIGHWAYS GOT a frosty reception this morning when they decided to close the A25 through Borough Green yesterday morning.

But things soon got hot as angry drivers got stuck in queue that was even more stationary than normal.

A lorry driver caught trying to run over a workman told police:

"It's like Mad Max, man. The world's come to an end an' ya gotta fight fer wots yors. These pricks wuz stoppin' me from gettin' me bacon butty from the layby burger van near Westerham. Its no' ryt, I tell ya. A man's gotta eat overwize wot are we? Savages behind the wheel of 10 tonnes of steel."

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Ladyman not quite corrupt

"Thank you for the kind offer. No I couldn't possibly accept that. Did you know that I used to be transport minister? Yes I told people to drive less and everything. What a hoot."

DR STEVE LADYMAN, Labour MP for Thanet South, has been named in an investigation into whether MPs use the contacts they make in office for commercial gain:

The MP’s name was dragged into the row last year when he was criticised for appearing to promote the interests of a private firm to the Highways Agency.

Dr Ladyman had been subject to a lobbying ban after leaving his post but was still able to arrange meetings with officials for when it ended.

The report says that Dr Ladyman used his former role “as a way of introducing himself when lobbying” for a traffic information company. (KOS)

Dr Ladyman, who enjoys a mighty 664 majority, receives between £10-£15k a year from being an advisor to Itis Holdings Plc a company selling traffic information.

Dr Ladyman said: "I did nuffin' wrong guvnor"

MP Factoid (
  • Since 2001 he has voted moderately against a transparent Parliament

Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Christmas Message from the Prime Minister of Kent

"Ho. Ho. Ho."

"Dear people of Kent, and Kentish people,

"At this time of year, it is customary for your leader to pass on tidings of merriment and joy. It is a pleasure to do so again this Christmas.

"Looking back over 2008, I would briefly like to take credit for things that I didn't do, for example the improved exams results and falling crime. All of these were due the fine leadership of the KCC leadership team and were despite, not because of, the meddling bureaucracy of the New Labour lackies."

"Looking forward to 2009, the economy is clearly the priority. After being run over a cliff by Gordon Brown, I will personally ensure that more investment and more jobs to Kent, any at County Hall or firms owned by my golfing buddies.

"To do this I will do my very best to cut out the bureaucracy and petty politics coming from the higher, and lower, levels of government. In our 'Front for Kent Business' initiative, I have set out a 10 point plan that we see us through the recession:

"1. Our leadership team will act as ambassadors all over the world on behalf of Kent business. As usual we will banging the drum for Kent at Cannes and in Virginia, USA.
"2. We will try and pay our bills on time, to help local businesses.
"3. We will continue to cut through the red-tape, particularly when it comes to nonsense environmental and planning "laws".
"4. We will continue to help Thanet become our Illinois of good governance.
"5. We will tell Shepway to just f***ing get on with it have give planning permission to Lydd Airport and the Sellindge Sludge plant.
"6. We will build a fantastic new lorry park at Aldington and a wonderful Brunel-like bridge between the Isle of Grain and Essex.
"7. We will take over more Kent businesses and run them better so that they offer better value to the tax payer than other Kent businesses.
"8. We will start our own bank so that shifty foreigners don't lose our money, only we should be allowed to do that.
"9. We will continue our secret military build-up in Manston so that by 2012 we will have retaken Medway, Bromley, Bexley and Calais.
"10. We will continue to offer our wonderful countryside to any jack-ass speculator, developer or communist state who wants to invest in our fantastic county and bring hundreds of cleaning and security jobs.

"Of course, for me personally, New Year, is a an exciting time. Once again, I will we waiting with baited breathe for the publishing of the New Year's Honours List. Of course a Lordship is too much to expect now, I am still young with a full career ahead of me, however, I do feel that my selfless work in public service does merit some recognition. Dammit, Paul Clokie at Ashford BC got a gong year before last and what the hell has that f******t ever done.

"So have a very merry and peaceful* Christmas and prosperous, ennobled New Year."

*That includes you, shoppers at Tesco's who were fighting each other on Christmas Eve and who required more Police than a Kingsnorth protest.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Archbishop a "Commie B*****d"

THE STONE HALLS and precincts of Canterbury and Rochester Cathedrals are echoing to hushed, urgent gossip this evening, as it was revealed that an aide to the Bishop of Rochester may have called the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, a 'Commie B*****d'.

The revelation comes in the wake of the dismissal of one of Archbishop Williams' own staff who wrote"arsehole Bishop of Rochester" in a list of names on a document that was sent 43 Bishops and Gordon Brown.

This latest spat between the Priests of Kent and the Kentish Priests may have been sparked by a recent rant accusing capitalism, Gordon Brown and society generally of being driven by greed and reckless speculation. In particular his suggestions that the UK should "actually making stuff" and not "carrying on getting into insane amounts of personal and national debt" were scoffed at by senior political and industrial figures:

"What? Actually make things? Things that work? Are you crazy? This isn't some backward socialist state like Germany, you know," said Sir Clive St.John-Smythe, Fiscal Stimulus Strategy Manager at HSBC and Chair of the Tunbridge Wells Chapter of the Rotary Masons.

"Everyone knows that the UK economy works by everyone buying and selling money that they don't have. It's very easy you know. Especially with computers, I understand. You don't even have to faff about with notes and coins, you just add a few noughts on to everything. Works every time. Nobody notices, unless you're an amateur like Bernard Madoff."