Evil Squirrel Fires On Tory Lord

Don't mess with these little f*****s




SQUIRREL PARAMILITARIES have been blamed for razing the Cranbook cottage of former Tunbridge Wells MP, Patrick Barnabas Burke Mayhew, Baron Mayhew of Twysden.

A spokesman for the family said:

"We believe this to be part of a long-running blood-feud dating back to when Lord Mayhew was Northern Island Secretary (1992-97).

"While he is better known for laying the foundations of what would be the Good Friday agreement, signed by Labour in 1998, what is less well is the sensitive negotiations that he convened between the Red and Grey squirrel communities.

"Grey squirrels were unhappy at moves, by Lord Mayhew, to cut of their supply of nuts and funding for weapons from their US homeland. This supply from grey sympathisers, mainly in New York parks, as been linked to their ongoing terror campaign against our native Red Squirrels."

With squirrels having a typical lifespan of 12 years, analysts suggest that the attack may have been a honour mission by young paramilitaries on behalf of a dying or recently deceased squirrel matriarch.

It is understood that security services have been put on alert, especially as intelligence suggests that they may be planning on attacking other targets in collaboration with mysterious big cats.